Beyond Understanding

At one point during the afternoon today I took a short break from my reading. I closed my eyes for a few minutes and thought about life. I’ve thought about my life a lot over the past few months, and it’s been good since I’ve been up here not to think about it so much. I have a bit of a tendency to overthink and overanalyze things, and to focus on those things which lead me to despair rather than hope. But today was different. Today as I thought, I was not overwhelmed by the mess I have made of things in the past. I was not disheartened by my failures and my shortcomings. There was a new feeling today, and I can only describe it as genuine peace; peace as I have not known in a long time.

Perhaps it is an indication of the power of that moment that I am now unable to find the words to describe adequately the feeling of relief that flooded over my every thought of life. I was seeing not only the present, but the difficult moments of the past and the future, through the filter of God’s sovereignty, and for the first time I think I truly grasped the truth that God has been in control of it all. I was overwhelmed.

These lyrics from Nichole Nordeman’s song “I Am” ran through my mind:

When I am weak, unable to speak,
Still I will call You by name.
“Oh Shepherd, Savior, Pasture-maker,
Hold on to my hand,” and You say “I am.”
When I am weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name.
“Creator, Maker, Life-sustainer,
Comforter, Healer, My Redeemer,
Lord and King, Beginning and the End
I am, yes, I am.”

Praise God that as I sang these words to God, I meant them. Today, I called God my Shepherd, my Comforter, and my very Life-sustainer, and I meant it. He has been these things to me, and the result is a rest and peace which my weary soul has so desperately longed for. Today, I heard the voice of God saying to me: “It’s okay. Everything has been okay, and it’s going to be okay. I’ve made it okay through the blood of my Son. I crushed Him for you. I sent Him to suffer so that you could spend eternity with Me. But until you get here, everything is going to be okay. I AM.”