Just A Few More Days

I’ve been thinking a lot about death lately. In a series of unrelated conversations and occurrences, death has reared its massive head several times over the past few weeks, and it’s got me thinking. Most of you reading this already know how a dear woman in my church went home to the Lord just a few weeks ago after battling cancer for six months. Through that experience, in particular the funeral of Muggs Ellise, as well as a sermon at church this past Sunday given partly in light of this recent death, I have begun to contemplate in a new way the brevity of this life I am now living. So I’ve been thinking.

In an e-mail I received today from a friend who challenges me both spiritually and intellectually, I was asked the question, quoting the fictional Tyler Durden, “If you died right now, how would you feel about your life?” And in addition, “What are you doing about it?” I like the question. I like it because it doesn’t bring into question where I’m going when I die. That is a good question, but when I am assured of my salvation (as the free gift of God, by faith alone), the question loses some of its impact. I know where I’m going when I die, praise God. But how would I feel about my life if I died right now?

It’s not that I haven’t thought about death before. Oh how often I have longed to leave this earth and go home to my Savior… but I think at times this longing can supercede and therefore eliminate my desire and motivation to live for Christ while yet on earth. Paul found this balance, knowing that to die is gain, the best thing that could happen to him; but also knowing that as long as he was here, he was going to live entirely for Christ. “To live is Christ, to die is gain.”

To answer the question quite honestly, I do not think I would be very happy about my life if I died right now. I find myself thinking, “I just haven’t been alive long enough, yet. I haven’t had enough time. Give me ten more years and I’ll be a bit happier with how I’ve lived my life and what I’ve accomplished.” This thought concerns me, as I think it should. I might not have ten more years. For all I know, I might not have ten more days. So what am I doing about it? What am I doing to ensure that if I died right now, I would be pleased, in general, with my life. This is not perfectionism; I don’t expect to be happy with everything I have done… I don’t expect to have no regrets whatsoever. But I want my life to be defined by this desire to be generally content with the way I have lived. Admitting that I am not happy with my life is an important realization to come to, but I can’t stop there. I must then decide what to do about it.

Following the logical and structural format of this post, I should now explain how I am going to change my answer to the question of how I would feel about my life if I were to die right now. But I don’t know yet. I do know that to live is Christ. Christ is worth really living for – as in, all of my life, nothing left out, this is everything I am and could possibly be. That’s what matters right now. For the next ten days, and the next ten years, I am going to attempt to improve my answer to the question; not because this life is so great, but because this life is so short.

II Corinthians 3:18 – “And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.”

Father, today transform me from one degree of glory to the next by making me more like You. Let my debt to grace increase so that I may more fully appreciate the work of Christ and that debt which He paid. Let me rely wholly on grace for each “act of obedience” and forsake obedience of my own strength as repayment for what You have done. In this let me behold Your glory. And in this let me display Your glory, as that will make much of You. Let me be oblivious to my own existence.